“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace