"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"Time wounds all heels."
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown