"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin