“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)