"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown