"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova