“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler