“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
