Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”