“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson