"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain