On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry