"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
