"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller