“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller