“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places