“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx