“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest