I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright