"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams