“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem