“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben