“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown