"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson