“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell