"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe