“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous