“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
