"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."