"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."