"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams