“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder