"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds