"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams