“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."