“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins