"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote