"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous