Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande