"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
