“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers