“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West