Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman