You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift