“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell