"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds