"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.