“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox