“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner