"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.