“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.