“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.