“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart