"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell