“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.