“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.