“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous