“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
