“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown