"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman