“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire