“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull