“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman