“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
