“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce