" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
