“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock