“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous