“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope