"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous