"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King