"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown