"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown