"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton