"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling