"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield