"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket