"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly