"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great