“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud