“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada