“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.