“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw