“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
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