"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
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