"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
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