"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
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