“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
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