“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
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