“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
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