“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
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