"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
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