“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
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