“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
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