“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
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