"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
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