“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
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